Bex has recently recorded and published a song she wrote last year about her relationship with her mum. It is a raw, honest and expressive portrayal of her experiences and feelings she has been discovering about. You can find the song here:
Bex has also recently created a personal blog where she publishes other songs and poems she has written. You can find her blog here where she will be publishing other songs about God etc:
Though we are not currently in a relationship due to my own resistance and unloving treatment towards her, I feel that her song, other songs, poems and personal expressions could be helpful to others in some way.
Just to be transparent and give my readers an honest reflection of my condition, I have chosen to shut Bex’ nature and personality down consistently over the course of years as a result of not wanting to feel my personal insecurities, wanting it to be all about my journey and experiences and not her’s amongst a list of other addictions. Jesus did say to me last year that shutting a person’s nature and personality down is one of the worst things you can do, as that person may then shut their heart down completely and may never open it back up for a very long time.
I have felt about my own motivations and intentions for even sharing this on my blog (such as doing it in a facade to feel like a good guy, or out of guilt), and have refrained from doing it until now because something didn’t feel right until I recently felt some sorrow about how I have shut Bex down, and apologised to her for doing so. I do love her voice and expression when I feel open (which still isn’t much yet), and I can see this song is very courageous too, even though I still feel insecure and challenged when I express this to myself or others.
Partly, I’ve also thought about it and I don’t want to be a hypocrite in any way by doing this post, as I have been one myself consistently, and also I find it very off putting in other people who are being hypocritical.
A big part of my unloving behaviour has also been about how I have a false belief that a man is only a man if their partner needs them in some way, any way in fact to give them a false sense of worth (which is based on pulling the woman’s worth down, using it as an opportunity to feel validated and wanted, to feel superior over a woman & using the woman’s opening against them).
Looking at it, I can clearly see these are all motivations that are selfishly driven, dark, all about ME, and what I want to get from the woman, and never about anything that I could give to them. I can see it inevitably results in quite horrible feelings going towards a woman, particularly the woman I interact with the most, all under a gross guise of “innocence” and “niceness.”
I’ve not wanted to be honest with myself or others about these things because when I admit it, it clearly shows me that I’m not a good guy. I feel somehow I am weak, that I will be laughed at and mocked by other men for not having a superior feeling over a woman, even going to a place of, “well, who the hell am I in truth then?” But I still find that place quite scary.
Jesus & Mary shared these unloving desires with me many times in feedback, so I’ve not just come to an enlightened moment either by sharing this with you all. It’d be more accurate to say that I’ve wanted to just avoid any of the truth and feedback I was given, and now maybe I’m listening to it a little.
“With Nicky, if he doesn’t want to hear it, it’s in one ear and straight out of the other” – Jesus 2020.
“Teflon Nicky, the truth is said to him, but it just runs off like it was never said” – Mary 2020.
I’m sharing these quotes while smiling as they are the truth, they’re truthful about me, and as I know Jesus and Mary a little bit, I know enough to say that they only ever say the truth and never lie, so there we go.
Anyway, I’ll write some more about these things another time, as I am still discovering about it, and my feelings inside still aren’t resolved and may not be for a while yet.
I hope that you find something for yourself in Bex’ music and personal blog.
Wherever you may be around the world, I send you warm wishes from an extremely wet, damp, dreary and dark England (some things never change).