Bullying and shaming as blocking emotions

[Sandra]

Hi there,

My name is Sandra. I'm 29 years old, and I've been bullied ever since I started school as a small child in Brazil. I moved to the U.S. when I was 14 years old, and I thought that I had escaped the bullying because they bullied me based on my ethnicity which is Chinese. I was bullied by Chinese (both born here and in China) girls in high school, and when I attempted to attend college. Over the years, I felt that I couldn't feel any of my emotions anymore, and I was totally blocked and numb. I used to be able to grieve in the way that Jesus describes it because my life has always had a lot of grief, but as time went on I started to feel better; but after being on the path for 1 year, and having tried many things to work out my emotions, I'm starting to remember things that happen in the sleep state. These Chinese and Asian girls are still bullying me in the sleep state, and in the awake state there are spirits trying to make me feel better by giving me feelings that I'm special. I've remembered sleep state experiences in which I'm being shamed for different things and all kinds of things, I've also been beaten and woken up with bruises all over my body. I've developed a lot of resistance to their projections at me that because they feel they are more beautiful than I am, that they have power over me, and that they have a right to hurt me and get away with it. Recently, they have been demanding and using men with dark soul conditions to pressure me into giving them the "secrets" to what Jesus and Mary teaches about changing our looks and becoming more beautiful by working through emotions. Their demands came with feelings that I should cater to them because they are beautiful and I am not. I had been giving information to people demanding things from me thinking it was the right thing to do, but then I started to feel icky and sleazy, so I decided to stop giving in to their demands, then they started to use pity to get me to do it. While all these man surrounded me and tried to get me to do it, but I didn't give in and I felt how sleazy that was. But I still can't feel my feelings of inferiority and that being ugly makes me vulnerable to being attacked and pushed down by others. I feel a lot of anger towards them, and I feel that I want them to pay for what they have done to me, so I project at them that they will go to hell, and that I will watch them when they go there.
I feel unable to find the cause to getting from where I am to forgiveness and repentance.
Anyone able to feel my condition, please feel free to offer me some feedback.

Thank you for reading.

[Marky T]

I feel unable to find the cause to getting from where I am to forgiveness and repentance.

So you feel there is a barrier between you now, and finding forgiveness and repentance in you? Forgiveness (outwards) and Repentance (towards self) is an expression of God's Love. Have you tried spending some time focusing on that forgiveness?

I have had a lot to forgive in my life. The many people who have caused me suffering in my life, and also my reactions, choices, and actions taken from harboring resent and hate. I worked out this one many many years ago. It is so easy to forgive, all you have to do, is do it. When you forgive, it is like planting a seed of God's Love in your life, and the more you focus on watering that plant of forgiveness the more it grows. If I said I forgive ..... , I may not feel much difference in that moment, but be assured that change is occurring.

Every 'I forgive' counts, so let go of the barrier in your mind and spend some time letting God take over. You feel in your heart that forgiveness and repentance is what you want to get to, where did the idea come in to you?

Forgiveness does not require reason, it does not require conditions. It heals all the reasoning and conditions that create these barriers you feel exists. Barriers such as, they don't deserve my forgiveness, there is just too much pain for me to feel forgiveness, spending times focusing on forgiving myself and others won't change anything.

These are all illusions. I know that from my own experience, and I hope that I inspire you.

In good faith,
Mark

[Sandra]

Thanks for the response, Mark.

I feel it's hard to forgive because the emotions that I need to feel are covered with a layer of shame. I'm even shamed for having been bullied by others; and in the sleep state more people shame me over having been abused and the emotions from the abuse. It's the shame of the emotions that make it hard to get to them. Then there is a layer of something else blocking the sham that I don't know about. I need to repent because I've chosen to not feel my shame and the other emotions from being abused, so I've chosen to harm them back instead by making fun of them and their treatment of me and the causes for their bad behaviors which often times I can feel through the spirits that are with me.

[Sandra]

I'm unable to delete my previous reply. It was based on facade and fear, and I no longer want to engage in that. Spirits have been attacking me constantly, and I need to take action and become more sincere in my dealings with people. In your reply to my message, I felt that you did not understand where I am coming from, and that there was some weird feeling in the message that I cannot yet identify. Your advice does not coincide with what Jesus teaches, and I cannot even try to take it or consider it in any way. I'm not sure if you give advice out of addiction, but if you want to help people, the most helpful things would be to either direct them to answers from Jesus in his videos or other stuff he has presented, or you could use your intuition and feelings to help another see their condition. Telling them what to do, and how it has benefitted you cannot really help others. It's not about doing, it's about feelings.

[Nicky]

Hi Sandra

Firstly, as you have realised, I would suggest taking the "assistance" from Mark with a pinch of salt. What he wrote about forgiveness is not the true forgiveness process you must go through in your soul, but a facade based intellectual forgiveness that is not truly real. His comment is not in alignment with Divine Truth principles and his post was completely about attempting to get his own addictions met (desire for superiority and arrogance) rather than for wanting to give to you (offer true assistance).

With regards to your assistance post itself, I feel there is quite an amount of addiction there in wanting others to take your fear away rather than allowing yourself to feel how scared you are of these spirits and people. The truth is currently, that you do not want to feel your grief about how worthless and weak that you feel you are (which are of course errors) and you have a number of addictions you are engaging in to cover over these feelings of fear and grief.

I also get the feeling that because you have felt victimised by people and spirits, you are using it as a way to try and get consolation and pity from others. This is why you attracted a response from Mark who is currently in heavy facade and addiction and it's almost reflecting back to yourself the amount of addiction you are currently in too.

In your most recent post here you wrote:

but if you want to help people, the most helpful things would be to either direct them to answers from Jesus in his videos or other stuff he has presented, or you could use your intuition and feelings to help another see their condition. Telling them what to do, and how it has benefitted you cannot really help others. It's not about doing, it's about feelings.

I feel there is some anger in this part of your post. Rather than letting yourself feel the grief about the way Mark responded to you, you have in a way, avoided the attraction here and reverted to anger. This is something to just be wary of as his post to you is a perfect attraction to help you get into some of your fear and grief, and at present, you have skipped over this.

Hope that helps
Nicky

[Sandra]

Thanks Nicky.

Yes, your post helps. Your honesty and truth is very helpful, and I do see what you are talking about, though I have yet to want to go there. I'm trying to feel my addictions as I remember Mary describing that we need to feel how much we want it, and grieve that before getting to the next emotion, and I had been doing it wrong trying to feel the fear and grief before feeling the addiction. I see why Jesus and Mary have recommended your forum, thanks a lot for the truthful feedback.