Hi from Mike in the U.S. of A.

[Mike A.]

Hello Everyone,

I have been dabbling with this forum on and off for a few months now with no real desire to connect to you all on a personal level, however, that desire seems to be growing a bit now My name is Michael Ayers and I live in and grew up in Nashville, Tennessee, USA. I was introduced to the teachings of AJ and Mary a few years ago while living in Kansas with my ex-wife and our child as she was finishing her PhD. I guess you could say I went through a bit of a spiritual awakening during that time as a result of experiencing one of the darkest times in my life where I began feeling suicidal and completely worthless for the first time in my life. Before moving to Kansas most of my identity was defined by my life as a sports star here in the U.S. and my unplanned fatherhood completely turned my world upside down. I was not ready and neither was my new wife. Upon discovering some of God's truth my passion for track and field was reignited and I decided to move back to East TN to train for the Olympics. At least that is what I told myself. I now believe I was looking for an escape from my pain in Kansas more than anything. I also had an unloving expectation towards God to prove his power through me by making me an Olympic champion practically overnight. Obviously I was delusional as I didn't see the real condition that my soul was in. Upon finishing her PhD in Kansas, my wife decided to take my son back to her home country of Cyprus where they now live and I am back home in Nashville living at mother's house. I think it has been good coming back home as I have been able to connect to a lot of the dormant memories and emotions of my childhood. I can't say that I have progressed a great deal yet, however, I think I am obtaining a better understanding of the sinful actions in which I need to repent. Unfortunately, as I become more aware and combative of my addictions I feel more and more rejected from my family. I think It's about that time I face my fears of living alone and become completely reliant on God Anyway, that's a bit about my story. Feel free to offer any feedback or ask questions!

[Rita]

Hi Mike.
Thank you for sharing.

MikeWithGod. That sounds good.
I tried RitaWithGod. That feels comforting and hopeful.

Realizing how stuck I am. Not good enough. Feeling excluded. Feeling rejected. And it goes way way back.
And pleasing pleasing pleasing.
And facade.
Being all this in the facade.
And being poor me. Yuk.

We had a great teacher from year 3 (1958 ) to year 6.
And every year starting new exercise books we wrote on the first page "Mit Gott" (With God ) and decorated the page. And she lived what she taught.

Thanks for your name and your post.
Rita Högel

[Mike A.]

Hi Rita, Thanks for your reply of kind words That's cool your teacher was able to influence you like that at a young age. Unfortunately, the U.S. doesn't allow most of it's teachers working for state funded schools to speak of God. It's a real shame the state of fear our country is in about God.

[Nicky]

Hi there Mike

Welcome to the forum.

Thanks for introducing yourself to the community, giving everyone a chance to get to know you better. I hope you find your time engaging with others on the forum beneficial in your development.

Nice to meet you.

Nicky

P.S Rita, you have slipped into some addiction in your post, notably this part:

MikeWithGod. That sounds good.
I tried RitaWithGod. That feels comforting and hopeful.

Realizing how stuck I am. Not good enough. Feeling excluded. Feeling rejected. And it goes way way back.
And pleasing pleasing pleasing.
And facade.
Being all this in the facade.
And being poor me. Yuk.

Just thought I'd bring this to your attention to help raise awareness and give you an opportunity to reflect.

Thanks
Nicky

[Mike A.]

Thanks for your response Nicky. Now that you mention it I do see the addiction at play with Rita's response. It's weird, because I had that feeling initially when I first read it that something was off about the feeling she was projecting at me however, I have a major injury from my mother which causes me to often times placate women. I think that's exactly what I was doing in my response of "gratitude" back to Rita.

[Rita]

Thank you Nicky and Mike.

I don't fully get the addiction part yet.

If I would have written this in my journal in they same way but not addressed to Mike would it have still be an addiction?

It was "Heiligabend", 24th Dec, the main celebration
day in Germany and I was alone now, it was a sad day for me (had travelled to NSW to family),
family drama previously.
And "with God " got me onto a different more hopeful track.
And to repent.

[Nicky]

Hi guys

Mike, I would agree with what you said regarding placating women....offering them comfort, "support", security, "listening them out" etc. I think it is awesome how on your intro thread you have attracted such a response from Rita - to give you an opportunity to work on this injury. I had this injury myself too and it was exposed almost instantly when the forum went live a few months ago so I feel that I can understand this situation.

I totally agree with the below part of your reply too:

I think that's exactly what I was doing in my response of "gratitude" back to Rita.

Rita, I do not agree with the below:

I don't fully get the addiction part yet.

I feel that you do and there is facade in this statement. This is a great attraction for you to see that you still have a draw to men who provide such feelings to you (as per what I mentioned to Mike above). You are wanting somebody (a man) to "look after" you and provide condolence to you. There is a demand for this coming out of you - Jesus addressed this in much detail at the Assistance Group last year that we were both at.

Later you said:

If I would have written this in my journal in they same way but not addressed to Mike would it have still be an addiction?

You are trying to get another addiction met with me here. I am not going to provide you with an "answer" to this question due to the nature of the addiction itself. If I remember correctly, Jesus spoke with you about this addiction at the Assistance group last year - I'd recommend looking at the first couple of Assistance group presentations as this may help you identify what it could be.

Thanks
Nicky

[Rita]

Thank you Nicky and Mike.

[Mike A.]

Hello Everyone,

I just wanted to add a bit about what I have been feeling recently over the past few weeks. There is quite a bit of fear I feel around this subject so please bare with me as I try to articulate myself as clearly as possible on this matter. I feel spirits have been guiding me in the recent weeks towards the discovery of my past life in 1st century. When I first started listening to divine truth I had no inclination that I could have possibly been a reincarnated soul and strongly believed that this was my first incarnation on earth. This belief was actually relieving for me as I knew that I would not have to re-experience any past life trauma and I could focus merely on the hurt of these 20 plus years of existence I have had in my current body. Based on what these spirits have been telling me I am now starting to believe that I am John Mark of the Bible. This all started when I had my first really powerful emotional release a few weeks ago which prompted me into a spirit world meeting with Jesus and the Apostle Paul. This was a very short experience which mainly entailed Paul's introduction to myself. At the time I had no idea why I would have been meeting this man but I remember feeling that he already knew who I was and I didn't know how. I will now list a number of things below that I have gathered as "clues" to clarifying my possible identity.


1) Jesus said that the last of the 7 souls incarnated around the time of my birth

2) My possible soul-mate is from the country of Cyprus which is where John Mark had relatives in the first century

3) When visiting Cyprus in this lifetime, I have been told that I look Cypriot

4) My possible soul-mate has memories in which she has died in a public setting and people are all around her mourning her loss (Very similar to the story of Tabitha in the Bible)

5) From a young age I had this inherit feeling that I knew Jesus and would meet him again in this lifetime.

6) I have vague memories of being strangled to death, much like the murder of John Mark

7) I have vague memories of why Paul refused to let me continue traveling with him in the first century during his ministry.

8) Since my first visit in this lifetime the island of Cyprus has always felt like a second home for me, however, the Middle East as a whole has always seemed like an unbearable place to me.


This is not an easy thing to share with you guys as I know that I could be completely wrong about this. This is just something I have been feeling about recently and wanted to share. I know I will receive much judgement about this, especially from my father who has been visiting the forum lately to "check up" on what I have been posting here. I know he will not be happy about this so expect much criticism from him in the near future.

I am actually traveling over to the island of Cyprus to see my son and his mother in March. I have much fear about traveling there with all of the terrorists activity going on in that region, however, it will be a good opportunity to get into some of my feelings about all of this.

Thanks for reading and I welcome any questions or comments.

-Michael

[julie_bennion]

Hello Michael ~ Whoa, and Thank You for trusting the Forum Community with all that you're experiencing & wondering about. The question that comes to mind is, Have you spoken with or written to Jesus & Mary about what you're experiencing? That's where I would go, at some point, Although I can imagine you may feel to explore further, in order to feel an assurity in yourself before talking with them.

My thoughts are with you,
Julie