But I don´t think I realized, or did not want to understand and feel, how much it did hurt me and how much it has affected the rest of my life and the life-choices I have made. Fear has always been a big issue for me, but I have often found ways to avoid the fear, control it, and make my life “safe”. I´m beginning to understand how much my fear is controlling my life (or how much I am choosing to let it control my life, I guess).
Maybe the sadness and a deep feeling of the world being a dangerous and threatening place, made me look for some kind of a meaning in life and search for God. During the last maybe ten years I have had moments when I have been emotionally very overwhelmed by feelings of a loving presence and I´v been crying and crying and sometimes it has felt like I am almost dissolving and it is painful at the same time – it´s almost as the difference between the love and myself is so big, and it feels so painful. Sometime it feels like, yes maybe this is Gods love, because I feel softer and more, kind of, vulnerable, and sometime it feels like no, maybe it´s just my own pain. Often I´m not sure.
Writing this for the forum does trigger some of my fears. A lot of them. The last 30 years I have been working as a minister I the lutheran church in Sweden, and engaging in Divine Truth triggers fear of losing my job, losing my income, and my house, fear of being criticized, fear of being regarded as crazy and easily manipulated, fear of getting a lot of problems and so on. To work in church and say: I think Jesus is back and he lives in Australia., is more than controversial…
and I feel my fear quite strong as I write this. At the same time as I can feel I have a lot of fear, I am not really experiencing it. It is more like it is bubbling under the surface and I feel my resistance, and fear of my fear is so big.From time to time I feel almost attacked with doubts: “it´s all fake and manipulations, it´s too good to be true, how do I know he really is Jesus”, and so on. Sometime it has been tough and I have felt lonely and unsure and sometimes numb. After a while the doubts and fear ceases and I am kind of back on track again.
Still, I have never in my life had such a strong resonance I my heart and soul, as I had when I began to listen to Jesus and Mary. It was so, and has been many times, overwhelming and it feels like the most loving, and true, teachings I have ever met.
Thanks a lot, Nicky, for the opportunity to write on the forum, and thanks to everyone who is sharing their life here. Love / Inger
Namaste!
. I think a process already had started in me years before I met Divine Truth and a lot of the teaching just feels familiar, almost as if I´v heard it before. Sometime I wonder if I might have done so in my sleepstate? I don´t know for sure, but sometime i wonder. Hope you can understand my swenglish