I am Emily Smedley, Em, from Egginton near Derby, UK.
I have been visiting every so often, but thanks to Maxine’s gentle nudge, well, here I am saying hi
I have not many memories from childhood, a lot is blocked out, but….. I can remember feeling like my parents weren’t my parents and didn’t know or understand why.
I also always had a feeling from young about there being the right boy for me….. quite possibly influenced by mum’s mother in the spirit world……. and remember a time screaming at God of not wanting to grow up and didn’t understand it all.
I hated being made to go to church, it felt horrible to me and being made to sing hymns, so I used to rebel and eventually I got my own way through tantrums, that was the only thing I was allowed to do, not bring up my mother’s emotions but I could scream and shout and cry if it didn’t impact what she felt or my dad.
And being stuck at home with them still, I allow it to limit my progress.
I found the divine truth through a friend’s post on facebook, I think it was the sleep state talk, well that’s the talk that I remember that got me listening over 4 years ago and her inviting me to a talk. Which I only realised due to facebook putting up a post on my phone app of 4 years ago with my friends in a photo at Stonehenge on solstice. I was searching for Truth and very much in the new age soul mates journey at the time.
At the moment what I think is been shown to me, my 40 year old vintage bike that I am changing parts on it to make my cycling easier tackling hills, is stuck. I took bottom bracket apart with a friend who has more tools than me, nice old titanium bottom bracket came out with little grease, bearings not where they are supposed to be and shards of metal, it got put back together with a different bottom bracket until the right one for the new crank arrived, and it was making a lovely grinding noise with not too much pressure. If I pedalled lightly but slow it was smooth, fast with power, grinding metal noise. So correct bottom bracket turns up, one part of the bottom bracket cup is stuck, won’t budge and that is the way I feel, that I am stuck and my will seemingly doesn’t want to budge, not entirely sure though.
I used to drink a lot of water 3-5 litres a day easy, but I wonder if partly was out of fear and being daddy’s good little girl emotion. When out riding my bike earlier this year, I used to drink so much I would have none left with in 30 miles and that made it difficult for me on club rides where they don’t stop for water during the ride and made me anxious. But gradually I have been drinking less and less water and trying to see which way my will really is or being influenced, and I do feel the effect the lack of water has on my body, not as flexible, stiffer muscles and movement, less energy but I can cycle further without worrying about needing to stop for water now as I am fitter. So some days of late I have been not even getting in a litre others maybe 2 and can’t force myself to drink it either, but I do feel very resistive to drinking more and I don’t know why at this point when it was relatively easy before.
I used to let things get really tough before my will wants to change. As when I was really depressed but working as an agency arctic truck driver and was inpatient at some pedestrian lights well, they turned to flashing amber which meant I could drive off if it was clear and it looked it, so I did and then people were waving at me on the opposite side of the road to stop, I did and I saw a body in my rear wheels and realised what I had done, ran over an old lady and killed her. My life imploded on that day emotionally, I had all this army training and yet I was in fear of being attacked and punished for running over someone, just could not do anything but feel. It turned out I wouldn’t of seen her, as she was in my blind spot and went to cross as the lights had changed, crown court deemed it as an accident and yet I still took a life. I still don’t know why it happened. Then it made me look for other means at getting help for me and what direction to go in, not to be controlled by depression or be suppressed.
I can remember Jesus told me at a talk in Forrest Row, how there was a female spirit influencing me, which other healers didn’t see her or see she was a problem, as I asked a previous healing friend which removed granddad Jack which we thought he was the issue, but Jack was in a much better condition which Jesus alerted me to than this spirit which was the problem that I could feel. That was a relief about knowing there was a spirit causing me problems but anger at myself pushing away Jack who was wanting to help me.
I remember Jesus saying to me about breathing, into the diaphragm, at this point I was working with a breathing technique, transformational breathing which I used, but I was very self attacking with it on myself.
It’s not until I met my teacher of the Be Activated system, Douglas Heel, and him massaging a point on my ribcage to activate my diaphragm that I really could breath into my belly without effort. A lot of pain and trauma was felt as he did this and every time I go on one the courses to get better myself and to be able to help others more with this system, I seem to be able to release and stay with the overwhelming feelings and pain that come up if Douglas is working on me, but I haven’t had another practitioner work on me yet that has felt connected the way he does, triggering me, cause the most amount of discomfort with the lightest of touch that aids release and better instant functioning of the body.
This has helped me with releasing some illogical fears that I have had for many years.
Douglas has said trauma goes in quick into the body and should come out just as fast as it went in, and, if we were allowed to process the traumatic emotion then that would be correct at the time but we are brought up otherwise and yet I know from my own experience that when some trauma is hit upon and activations ensued, the release is so freeing and it’s nothing like any other healing method, definitely not reiki as the only way to release the trauma or layers is to feel it not put lovely woo woo energy to cover it up to make it all okay.
I love this technique as it really has helped me be softer with myself and start to get out in the world instead of hiding away. Which is my safety zone, again taught from going to school at an early age, eager to learn and play before I was supposed to go, I went and then I was bullied and shut down and taught in a way that felt so restricting. So know I see how illogical it is to be made to sit still and learn all this theory and repeat it as a good girl, I still have a lot of anger about that and way kids are taught, it’s very backwards. Thankfully my Be Activated teacher does hands on, as that is the way the technique works which led me to delve into more about the body and open up myself.
One thing that became apparent with me on one of the courses, we do this imagination technique used with the physical body……
We get told to spin round as far as we can with our feet staying still on the spot and note how far we go. Next we visualise our selves spinning round much further, further, all the way through 360 degrees with out feet still and it is so light and easy to do…… then we open our eyes and do it,
Douglas asks us if there was any change and most went further, including me. So this time we visualise and we feel heavy, restricted, our body hurts can’t spin round as far. Then we open our eyes and do it…… yet I spin further than before and I am stood there thinking what have I done wrong, why did I go further? Douglas asks again any different and most can’t move as far and I mention “but I went further” and Douglas said to me and the other person we have the ‘Fuck it’ attitude, which to me I took it as when things get tough we use it to fuel ourself to move forward.
Which can sum up my life.
I found one of the most triggering things for me is through doing movement, and playing and being creative with it, I feel limited in my thinking and letting it happen and motivating others. Play is really great for learning, but I feel like that when I was playing in my childhood it was all about approval from others and limited in exploration.
I can now dance by myself anywhere at anytime, I get judgemental about myself still, but no way near as much as I used too and would shut myself down, now I can go out dance whenever the music takes me where ever I am and not giving so much as a fuck about others approval as I used too and it is so freeing.
After speaking the other day with Maxine and her suggesting I watch Nicky and Perry’s video, I did so and realised how much I block God, and how little of God’s love I received into my soul and can see/feel how different they are from having God’s love enter their soul and how playful they are and how much I still shut that down and then just rebel and demand God/others help me.
I know I get in my own way, if procrastination was an achievement then that is one of my top ones and then I can never can tell which little whisper/voice is one helping or hindering me and suck at being God reliant. Even so at times I like to think I am on the path, I have no clue where I am apart from in resistance, blaming others still for my problems and wanting things from God the backwards way, hey give me more clients (especially cycling clients, professionals, get them faster and reduce injuries, frustration I have, as I can help them but yet that is happening slowly and I seem to prefer it that way much to my distain) so I can get free of tax credits and pay my way and go travel has been my current demand lately, which feels like I have little faith in God providing for me.
At I times I feel it is so great I found Divine Truth, Jesus and Mary for sharing the way and yet that seems to be quite fleeting when I try to do the work.
Yet I see it is like how I see some of my clients….. they have this method they have been shown and yet delay in consistently using it for betterment unless until shit hits the fan, as I want them to grow and use it on themselves just as I have access to doing the same with everything shared about divine truth, but forcing it is much slower.
I do feel I have more of a desire to become more loving than before, before it was more about knowing truth, but my desire for God and to know I am not sure it has grown that much.
