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One thing I have learned just in the past year is how utterly and completely fear has impacted every single thing I have ever done in my life.

Since I started learning more through therapy about how stuck in survival mode I have been my entire life, and through slowly easing my central nervous system out of that (slowly teaching my primitive brain that there isn't a bus going to run me over 24x7) I have begun to see very clearly how every decision I have made is poisoned by fear. You cannot think about anything else when you are fighting for your life (even if it isn't real, but your primitive brain screams at you that it is - this is the work I have been doing - to lessen the screaming, and eventually settle that down completely, so my higher brain functions can start working).

Now I am happy to notice that I am a lot more calm and the decisions I am making are more logical and rational, although I know I am not quite done there yet! I am still looking for a tick in the box of when I will be "done" - a sign there is still fight/flight going on in me.

The whole point of my focus on this trauma system is that this state I have been in my entire life has kept me from opening my soul, feeling what is in it and creating a desire for love from God and others. Just in the past week I have noticed a shift in that - I am feeling more open, more responsive, more sensitive to what I am feeling.

I am very grateful that my desire to deal with this has brought me a terrific teacher in my counselor who is very good at this work and is actively working to make it more mainstream - I am not sure of the name of the therapy she uses but it is an adaptation of mindfulness mixed with talk therapy.

Good for you. Sounds like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Mindfulness is all the rage these days (because if works). Another is Somatic Experiencing by Peter Levine.

Hello SMH - I haven't answered your question yet, have I? I apologise for that - I went away for a number of days with my family and haven't really sat down and felt deeply through this forum just yet.

You asked me elsewhere what the modality was (wondering if I should reply there for the benefit of others... I might just do some copying and pasting with that).

Briefly, here (I will put a longer response where you asked the actual question) I am doing a form of mindfulness (which I had never heard of until I started doing it!) - four times a day, for five minutes a time, first finding a part of my body that is in pain or aching or otherwise calling out for attention, and simply noticing it for the five minutes. If my mind wanders off or I get distracted I just bring my attention (gently!) back to that part of my body.

This is coupled with a weekly counseling session which has been a very helpful combination for me.

The theory behind this is to rewire my neural pathways from a permanent state of fight/flight. It was an experiment for me and it is working better than I expected - lots of benefits, including the one I was hoping for, that of unlocking my death grip on suppression of my emotions. Still a ways to go with that, but I now know that going further on with this physiological work will enhance my ability to want to heal my emotions and become a more loving person - the relationship is very direct.

And now I realise I didn't answer your question at all, that was about diagnosis! I shall go off and do that now...
cheers
Teresa

doh - I just realised I projected onto you then... not sure about that so shall reflect, but I wanted to clear up so you were not confused... it was Lance (Houston) who asked about diagnosis on my intro thread, not you SMH.
Sorry about the confusion.