Hi from Pierre
Posted: Wed Sep 16, 2015 12:01 pm
Hi,
I am Pierre, 48 year old from Brussels, Belgium.
I was raised the third and youngest of 3 siblings in a very atheist family where science and money where God, and religion and God were just a dangerous dogmatic man’s creation used to manipulate the weak people. I never felt safe and welcome in my family and suffered from many diseases and illnesses since my birth until my early-mid twenties. Basically, I tried my best to be a “good boy” for my mum in an emotionally incestual relationship and to desperately get approval and acceptance from my father, which I never did, of course. So I fearfully managed “to survive” in doing what I supposed my parents wanted me to do in terror of their rage and rejection. I so learned very quickly to live in a strong facade and was very suppressed and far away from letting much the real me to be seen.
I loved sports (football, tennis, ski especially but many other too) and used them as well largely as a decompression valve to calm down my emotional internal turmoil and pain. I also loved music (guitar, piano, whistle, drum), arts (drawing, painting, sculpture, crafts in general...). I loved as well acting as a kid in the school theater play. Of course I was excellent at acting because I practiced it all the time (laughter), living most of the time in roles and facade. Beside sports, I did not persevere much in any of my desires and explored them only for short periods of time until after I discovered Divine Truth. I finally end up graduating at university in a famous business school, mostly because I did not know what else to do. I was actually to scare to make a wrong choice and I wanted to get approval from my dad.
The next 15 years of my life, I spent working in the business world (banking, petrochemical, glass industry) as a financial analyst, financial controller, eventually a sales manager, and finally chose to quit my comfortable life to join and help my brother and father to run the family owned company. I did it for 7 years until the company finally went bankrupt again. This was the start of a 180˚turning point in my life (read below). Every 3 years of so, I needed to change job because my work did not satisfy me and lacked sense and excitement until I suffered to be stuck in the family business for 7 years. In my late twentieth and thirties, I also started practicing regularly yoga and eventually got intensively into taichi practicing every day for 5 years (until I eventually became an official taichi instructor) and this helped me “to survive” this challenging period I would say. I was as well in a long term relationship during my thirties which turned out to be more a friendship and safety place than a true loving relationship.
After the bankrupt which kind of freed me of this “family” job I wanted to quit but did not know how, I started to study again but more personal and human skills and became eventually a business coach and a business consultant until just before I turned 40.
I was already quite depressed the last year of two at the family business but kind of went over it (in denial) but when I was 39 I started progressively a descent to the hell of a depression completely lacking sense, motivation and energy in my life. I did not want to get up from my bed in the morning and could not properly do my job anymore. My feeling was: “I am stuck to death. I don’t know who I am at all, don’t like what I do and I don’t know what to do next. So, my life has to change or I am going to die”. I actually was already feeling like a living dead.
Just before I turned 40, a series of events led me to quit my job and I became jobless for the first time since I graduated at 23. At the same time, a few events happened opening me to spiritual matters like attending a workshop learning and experiencing spirits in a shamanic trance, visiting an astrologist and not being able to stop crying for 2-3 hours at what she told me and not understanding what was happening, and attending an emotional release workshop and having among my first overwhelming emotional release experience as an adult. From that moment on, I decided to spend my life in priority finding out who I truly am. So, I sold my apartment in Brussels and gave away all my belongings, left my partner-friend a bit later and decided to follow my heart desires wherever it would lead me.
Of course, as my desires had been highly addictive in nature, it lead me on a “new age” kind of highly addictive and spirit influenced spiritual journey around the world, meeting with many teachers, healers, shamans, mediums, attending workshops after workshops, traveling in many countries with spiritual groups, studying little bit of many ancient and new age spiritualities of the world, as well as studying and becoming a healing practitioner and a geobiologist. I enjoyed much the addictive spiritual journey with spirits feeding quite well my addiction “to feel to be a good person”. However I was never really deeply satisfied in my quest for truth with any of my discoveries and experiences for a long time until I finally met a teacher who I followed and eventually worked with for the next 3 years. He supported me into becoming a spiritual workshop teacher. I taught his abundant channeled material with my wife I had met in the same spiritual circle -, and eventually assisted people into becoming teachers.
It is actually through this teacher and thanks to his ex Australian wife, Laura, who first discovered Divine Truth that I first got to hear about Jesus and Mary early 2011. When I first listened to the Secret of the Universe, I could not stop crying for hours and then I kept watching videos after videos days and nights. It was like all the pieces of the puzzle I discovered during all these years of spiritual exploration suddenly made sense and came perfectly together. It literally changed my life a few weeks later at my first profound experience of God’s Love when I fell on my knee feeling his existence and love and realizing then that my parents had told me a huge lie all my life.
Unlike many religious raised people, as an atheist raised child, I have not all kinds of preconceived ideas about who Jesus should be or should not be – but well a lot of wrong beliefs about God - , and so it did not bothered me at all when AJ claimed to be Jesus. Why not? I thought: “Let’s experiment more about what he teaches and see whether he tells the truth or not”.
I actually remember significant events early on in my life which lead me to meet with Jesus and Mary. As a child I was born the son of Joseph (my father’s name) and Mary (how we called my mother who is actually Anne-Mary) and I remember around at the age of 7 or so this feeling of carrying a very too heavy burden on my shoulders, like if I was a messiah or messenger of love for the world, like literally if I was a kind of Jesus. Later on, in my early 20’s, I started reading books after books about Jesus life in the first century and I was always certain Jesus had existed and was just a man. I had no idea he would return though. Then I completely disregarded these experiences and rather concentrated on my material and social life until that time I discovered DT.
When I started to listen to Divine Truth, I started to realize how the love this man – AJ - was talking about and embodying to a great extent was not the same love my teacher demonstrated in his life. So after a little while, and I decided (and I was then very scared to) to address the love issue and question him publicly on a teacher’s forum. His reaction was violent and he banned me and my wife in an impulse of rage from the Teacher’s forum without answering my questions about love. At that moment, I felt a huge betrayal and injustice and I felt for the first time Divine Love guides stepping in my life as my teacher’s spirits stepped away. It was in July 2011.
Just a few weeks before that event, I was just back from a 40 days loner retreat – it was the period when I watched the DT YouTube videos for the first time - , and I told my wife I wanted to move to Australia and meet with Jesus and follow his teachings and meet his followers. I was very surprised my wife had actually discovered DT teachings at the same time as we had hardly any contact during my retreat, and so she was quite excited as well and agreed to move despite we had just moved with a 3 years old boy from the US into France only 4 months before for teaching spiritual workshops together in France. We got then straight a one year visitor’s visa and came to Australia in September 2011. The very same day we landed in Brisbane, guess what? Jesus was giving a seminar in Brisbane about the World definition of Love. What a divine timing! So we attended it but I was actually struggling to not fall asleep halve of the time.
I discovered later that my desire to come to Australia, meet Jesus and meet people on the path was highly addictive. I had actually a strong desire for universal truth but a low desire for personal truth and for God and a high desire for people to feed my addictions and feed theirs. And I quickly came to term that I did not know much about love and that I was not in as good soul condition as I got to believe I was in. I felt suddenly as a big shit again... as many of the new age spirits hanging around me before left and I did not get my additions met as much as before.
I am actually a very slow learner and even if God certainly helped me to grow my desire to love me and others to some extent, I have only started recently to grow a baby desire to know and love – and lately occasionally quite strong - God. I thought I had put God first all these years since I discovered DT, but I was in self deception and mostly put spirits, women and addictions first. I eventually divorced with my wife en of 2011 – leaving a very unloving abusive kind of relationship -. I met a few weeks later a new partner and entered another addictive unloving kind of relationship as I did not work out properly the reasons why I attracted the previous one. I ended up building a house with my partner and spending all my last savings and I was completely broke. And still jobless as I was not allowed to work in Australia. Then my visa expired and I could not renew it as I expected to. So I was asked to live Australia. I went 6 months in New Zealand where I survived helping people gardening, planting trees and selling fruits and I just managed to save enough money to fly to New to New Caledonia in March 2013 just a few days after my visa expired.
Today, I face the painful consequences of living in my addictions for so many years. One of my new strong desire today is to grow a food forest as God gardens. I spend here a lot of alone time as I have no true friends or people to share with. I have hardly any contact with family or ancient friends. I leave now in a small village in the North and I am self employed as a landscape gardener, builder, nursery worker, planting trees or helping farmers. I have discovered these last few years how I love guitar, acting, dancing, singing, filming, planting, designing, taking care of baby plants, watching plants and trees growing, gardening, birds watching, wood and stone working, building, recycling objects, creating vegan yummy meals with just what's left in the fridge, and I still discover many more things. I realize that I connect to my desires and excitements about life only when I am connecting to God and myself, and sometimes it is days or weeks before I open to some issues that block all of my desires as I go on with my struggle in the material life (issue of lack) and I feel disconnected from myself. So when people asks me : “how are you?” I do not know what to answer but how I feel right now because it can change from minute to minute. It is often not a true question anyway.
I am passionate about sharing DT and love very much talking about God and my discoveries and experiments and beliefs about God anytime there is an opportunity to share with anybody. Before I was scared of people, today I love to get to know new people and share about God. I regularly translate DT documents for the French translation team, set up a website to share my experiences on the Way, as well as a DT Youtube channel in French and a facebook DT forum for French speaking people. This forum has quite solid love based terms of use inspired by Jesus and has not been a very addictive and unloving place as many I have seen on FB I feel. However, it has been more a place really to share and discuss DT material translated in French than a true place to get to develop a relationship with God and the little desire of its members for God is a reflection of my own lack of desire for God.
I daily observe and experience with God lovely laws of desire and attraction and it is today the basis of my focus for growth : prayer, experiencing with my desires and dealing with what God shows me and the consequence of my unloving acts. I am still at the intellectual deconstruction of my facade on many issues – and certainly in denial on others, and still live in many fears although It becomes much more painful to project my expectations, passive aggressive anger on the people around me as I am more aware of my unloving behaviors. But I still occasionally catch me doing it. I still lack very much humility in many occasions. One of the benefits I have experienced of my relationship with God has been that I have become more and more sensitive, aware and truthful about my emotional state and the emotions others are projecting at me. But I certainly still have to break through my deep terror, and that is a major block to my growth. When I am approaching my terror - and God is helping me - in a period of a more sincere desire for truth, at the first big law of attraction event, I am in anger or terror and run away or punish myself. This has actually been so all my life but today I am just more aware of it.
Thanks to Mary’s inspiring help, I have realized how self punishment – my favorite tool - is a just another selfish addiction that keeps me in a vicious circle. I am also aware how resistive I still am to get to the major causal feelings Jesus addressed in me already 3 years ago – and again at the AG - , and even if grew a bit I feel in my desire to love others and recently to get to know and love God – with some up and down -, God shows me daily that some of my major blocks which are putting women’s emotions before God and myself, looking for men’s approval and my lack of self worth (and self punishment) are still there. So I apologize because I feel I do not properly honor Jesus gift as it is really worth and I am really praying to open my desire for humility about this because – God knows - how much I feel gratitude to you guys, a huge debt I will never be able to pay you back entirely. Gratitude to you Nicky as well, it is huge the work you do here to go through every thread and offer constant loving support and feedback to people. I hope this forum can help me to grow my desire for God and deconstruct more of my facade. So I look forward to receive any feedback and I hope I occasionally can help others too. I love to help and want to become one day a DT teacher.
Last thing, it might not seem so for some who already met me but my personality is curious, playful and very childlike in nature, I am 48 and I feel very young inside – Gods baby child really -, but it comes out only when I am not in fear.
Sorry if I have been too long. I am really not good at being concise. Looking forward connecting to you all here.
Pierre
I am Pierre, 48 year old from Brussels, Belgium.
I was raised the third and youngest of 3 siblings in a very atheist family where science and money where God, and religion and God were just a dangerous dogmatic man’s creation used to manipulate the weak people. I never felt safe and welcome in my family and suffered from many diseases and illnesses since my birth until my early-mid twenties. Basically, I tried my best to be a “good boy” for my mum in an emotionally incestual relationship and to desperately get approval and acceptance from my father, which I never did, of course. So I fearfully managed “to survive” in doing what I supposed my parents wanted me to do in terror of their rage and rejection. I so learned very quickly to live in a strong facade and was very suppressed and far away from letting much the real me to be seen.
I loved sports (football, tennis, ski especially but many other too) and used them as well largely as a decompression valve to calm down my emotional internal turmoil and pain. I also loved music (guitar, piano, whistle, drum), arts (drawing, painting, sculpture, crafts in general...). I loved as well acting as a kid in the school theater play. Of course I was excellent at acting because I practiced it all the time (laughter), living most of the time in roles and facade. Beside sports, I did not persevere much in any of my desires and explored them only for short periods of time until after I discovered Divine Truth. I finally end up graduating at university in a famous business school, mostly because I did not know what else to do. I was actually to scare to make a wrong choice and I wanted to get approval from my dad.
The next 15 years of my life, I spent working in the business world (banking, petrochemical, glass industry) as a financial analyst, financial controller, eventually a sales manager, and finally chose to quit my comfortable life to join and help my brother and father to run the family owned company. I did it for 7 years until the company finally went bankrupt again. This was the start of a 180˚turning point in my life (read below). Every 3 years of so, I needed to change job because my work did not satisfy me and lacked sense and excitement until I suffered to be stuck in the family business for 7 years. In my late twentieth and thirties, I also started practicing regularly yoga and eventually got intensively into taichi practicing every day for 5 years (until I eventually became an official taichi instructor) and this helped me “to survive” this challenging period I would say. I was as well in a long term relationship during my thirties which turned out to be more a friendship and safety place than a true loving relationship.
After the bankrupt which kind of freed me of this “family” job I wanted to quit but did not know how, I started to study again but more personal and human skills and became eventually a business coach and a business consultant until just before I turned 40.
I was already quite depressed the last year of two at the family business but kind of went over it (in denial) but when I was 39 I started progressively a descent to the hell of a depression completely lacking sense, motivation and energy in my life. I did not want to get up from my bed in the morning and could not properly do my job anymore. My feeling was: “I am stuck to death. I don’t know who I am at all, don’t like what I do and I don’t know what to do next. So, my life has to change or I am going to die”. I actually was already feeling like a living dead.
Just before I turned 40, a series of events led me to quit my job and I became jobless for the first time since I graduated at 23. At the same time, a few events happened opening me to spiritual matters like attending a workshop learning and experiencing spirits in a shamanic trance, visiting an astrologist and not being able to stop crying for 2-3 hours at what she told me and not understanding what was happening, and attending an emotional release workshop and having among my first overwhelming emotional release experience as an adult. From that moment on, I decided to spend my life in priority finding out who I truly am. So, I sold my apartment in Brussels and gave away all my belongings, left my partner-friend a bit later and decided to follow my heart desires wherever it would lead me.
Of course, as my desires had been highly addictive in nature, it lead me on a “new age” kind of highly addictive and spirit influenced spiritual journey around the world, meeting with many teachers, healers, shamans, mediums, attending workshops after workshops, traveling in many countries with spiritual groups, studying little bit of many ancient and new age spiritualities of the world, as well as studying and becoming a healing practitioner and a geobiologist. I enjoyed much the addictive spiritual journey with spirits feeding quite well my addiction “to feel to be a good person”. However I was never really deeply satisfied in my quest for truth with any of my discoveries and experiences for a long time until I finally met a teacher who I followed and eventually worked with for the next 3 years. He supported me into becoming a spiritual workshop teacher. I taught his abundant channeled material with my wife I had met in the same spiritual circle -, and eventually assisted people into becoming teachers.
It is actually through this teacher and thanks to his ex Australian wife, Laura, who first discovered Divine Truth that I first got to hear about Jesus and Mary early 2011. When I first listened to the Secret of the Universe, I could not stop crying for hours and then I kept watching videos after videos days and nights. It was like all the pieces of the puzzle I discovered during all these years of spiritual exploration suddenly made sense and came perfectly together. It literally changed my life a few weeks later at my first profound experience of God’s Love when I fell on my knee feeling his existence and love and realizing then that my parents had told me a huge lie all my life.
Unlike many religious raised people, as an atheist raised child, I have not all kinds of preconceived ideas about who Jesus should be or should not be – but well a lot of wrong beliefs about God - , and so it did not bothered me at all when AJ claimed to be Jesus. Why not? I thought: “Let’s experiment more about what he teaches and see whether he tells the truth or not”.
I actually remember significant events early on in my life which lead me to meet with Jesus and Mary. As a child I was born the son of Joseph (my father’s name) and Mary (how we called my mother who is actually Anne-Mary) and I remember around at the age of 7 or so this feeling of carrying a very too heavy burden on my shoulders, like if I was a messiah or messenger of love for the world, like literally if I was a kind of Jesus. Later on, in my early 20’s, I started reading books after books about Jesus life in the first century and I was always certain Jesus had existed and was just a man. I had no idea he would return though. Then I completely disregarded these experiences and rather concentrated on my material and social life until that time I discovered DT.
When I started to listen to Divine Truth, I started to realize how the love this man – AJ - was talking about and embodying to a great extent was not the same love my teacher demonstrated in his life. So after a little while, and I decided (and I was then very scared to) to address the love issue and question him publicly on a teacher’s forum. His reaction was violent and he banned me and my wife in an impulse of rage from the Teacher’s forum without answering my questions about love. At that moment, I felt a huge betrayal and injustice and I felt for the first time Divine Love guides stepping in my life as my teacher’s spirits stepped away. It was in July 2011.
Just a few weeks before that event, I was just back from a 40 days loner retreat – it was the period when I watched the DT YouTube videos for the first time - , and I told my wife I wanted to move to Australia and meet with Jesus and follow his teachings and meet his followers. I was very surprised my wife had actually discovered DT teachings at the same time as we had hardly any contact during my retreat, and so she was quite excited as well and agreed to move despite we had just moved with a 3 years old boy from the US into France only 4 months before for teaching spiritual workshops together in France. We got then straight a one year visitor’s visa and came to Australia in September 2011. The very same day we landed in Brisbane, guess what? Jesus was giving a seminar in Brisbane about the World definition of Love. What a divine timing! So we attended it but I was actually struggling to not fall asleep halve of the time.
I discovered later that my desire to come to Australia, meet Jesus and meet people on the path was highly addictive. I had actually a strong desire for universal truth but a low desire for personal truth and for God and a high desire for people to feed my addictions and feed theirs. And I quickly came to term that I did not know much about love and that I was not in as good soul condition as I got to believe I was in. I felt suddenly as a big shit again... as many of the new age spirits hanging around me before left and I did not get my additions met as much as before.
I am actually a very slow learner and even if God certainly helped me to grow my desire to love me and others to some extent, I have only started recently to grow a baby desire to know and love – and lately occasionally quite strong - God. I thought I had put God first all these years since I discovered DT, but I was in self deception and mostly put spirits, women and addictions first. I eventually divorced with my wife en of 2011 – leaving a very unloving abusive kind of relationship -. I met a few weeks later a new partner and entered another addictive unloving kind of relationship as I did not work out properly the reasons why I attracted the previous one. I ended up building a house with my partner and spending all my last savings and I was completely broke. And still jobless as I was not allowed to work in Australia. Then my visa expired and I could not renew it as I expected to. So I was asked to live Australia. I went 6 months in New Zealand where I survived helping people gardening, planting trees and selling fruits and I just managed to save enough money to fly to New to New Caledonia in March 2013 just a few days after my visa expired.
Today, I face the painful consequences of living in my addictions for so many years. One of my new strong desire today is to grow a food forest as God gardens. I spend here a lot of alone time as I have no true friends or people to share with. I have hardly any contact with family or ancient friends. I leave now in a small village in the North and I am self employed as a landscape gardener, builder, nursery worker, planting trees or helping farmers. I have discovered these last few years how I love guitar, acting, dancing, singing, filming, planting, designing, taking care of baby plants, watching plants and trees growing, gardening, birds watching, wood and stone working, building, recycling objects, creating vegan yummy meals with just what's left in the fridge, and I still discover many more things. I realize that I connect to my desires and excitements about life only when I am connecting to God and myself, and sometimes it is days or weeks before I open to some issues that block all of my desires as I go on with my struggle in the material life (issue of lack) and I feel disconnected from myself. So when people asks me : “how are you?” I do not know what to answer but how I feel right now because it can change from minute to minute. It is often not a true question anyway.
I am passionate about sharing DT and love very much talking about God and my discoveries and experiments and beliefs about God anytime there is an opportunity to share with anybody. Before I was scared of people, today I love to get to know new people and share about God. I regularly translate DT documents for the French translation team, set up a website to share my experiences on the Way, as well as a DT Youtube channel in French and a facebook DT forum for French speaking people. This forum has quite solid love based terms of use inspired by Jesus and has not been a very addictive and unloving place as many I have seen on FB I feel. However, it has been more a place really to share and discuss DT material translated in French than a true place to get to develop a relationship with God and the little desire of its members for God is a reflection of my own lack of desire for God.
I daily observe and experience with God lovely laws of desire and attraction and it is today the basis of my focus for growth : prayer, experiencing with my desires and dealing with what God shows me and the consequence of my unloving acts. I am still at the intellectual deconstruction of my facade on many issues – and certainly in denial on others, and still live in many fears although It becomes much more painful to project my expectations, passive aggressive anger on the people around me as I am more aware of my unloving behaviors. But I still occasionally catch me doing it. I still lack very much humility in many occasions. One of the benefits I have experienced of my relationship with God has been that I have become more and more sensitive, aware and truthful about my emotional state and the emotions others are projecting at me. But I certainly still have to break through my deep terror, and that is a major block to my growth. When I am approaching my terror - and God is helping me - in a period of a more sincere desire for truth, at the first big law of attraction event, I am in anger or terror and run away or punish myself. This has actually been so all my life but today I am just more aware of it.
Thanks to Mary’s inspiring help, I have realized how self punishment – my favorite tool - is a just another selfish addiction that keeps me in a vicious circle. I am also aware how resistive I still am to get to the major causal feelings Jesus addressed in me already 3 years ago – and again at the AG - , and even if grew a bit I feel in my desire to love others and recently to get to know and love God – with some up and down -, God shows me daily that some of my major blocks which are putting women’s emotions before God and myself, looking for men’s approval and my lack of self worth (and self punishment) are still there. So I apologize because I feel I do not properly honor Jesus gift as it is really worth and I am really praying to open my desire for humility about this because – God knows - how much I feel gratitude to you guys, a huge debt I will never be able to pay you back entirely. Gratitude to you Nicky as well, it is huge the work you do here to go through every thread and offer constant loving support and feedback to people. I hope this forum can help me to grow my desire for God and deconstruct more of my facade. So I look forward to receive any feedback and I hope I occasionally can help others too. I love to help and want to become one day a DT teacher.
Last thing, it might not seem so for some who already met me but my personality is curious, playful and very childlike in nature, I am 48 and I feel very young inside – Gods baby child really -, but it comes out only when I am not in fear.
Sorry if I have been too long. I am really not good at being concise. Looking forward connecting to you all here.
Pierre
it's coming from judgment, anger, projection, condescension... the hard-edged ones, those can be challenging to feel and in humility respond to). I've heard before, and I feel the truth in it, that sometimes I sound & feel needy. yeah, makes sense I would sound that way if I'm putting out "I need...." I haven't realized it was that obvious until now, being more truthful in self-reflection, dipping my toes into deeper, the deepest! soul work that can be done, far as I can tell.
I hope that translates for you.