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Hi Joakim!
And thanks for your replay when I was introducing myself! Now, i´v read your introduction too and what you wrote about being bullied. Is it ok if I ask you if and how you have delt with this in your life? I myself have always, until the last 3-4 years, tried to forget, shut it of and supress the years I was bullied, an I think I have put the 13-year old girl in a drawer and locked it. Last week I contacted a girl from my old school class and asked her what she did remember and I felt a lot of fear before I did it, (I have nerver asked anyone this question) and the locked-in emotions from that time are coming back to me; worthlessness, shame, how sad and unsure I was and so on. It is like the young girl is more and more alive in me. And it´s scary when I begin to realize how much of a facade I have built to protect myself. Have you found ways to get in touch with feelings from the time you were bullied?
Allt the best / Inger

Hello Anna.
Thank you for saying hello. Nice to meet you too

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And hello again Inger. Thanks for your message and question. Please feel free to ask me anything if you think it would help. Although I am not sure my answers are that helpful at the moment. That said, I'd be happy to share my experience and a little bit about what has happened to me.

The very short answer is I have not dealt with it really at all. It's all been one long elaborate masterpiece of avoidance for I guess 25 years and more. I feel I could make a run at the title "The Mozart of avoidance" . That's the sad reality. Sooo much fear. Yes there have been times when I gathered up some courage and tried to face my fears, and I may have had some short-term progress, but nothing ever worked out long-term. Nothing lasted. And it was very energy draining to do so I sort of gave up after a while. And it is only now listening to Divine Truth that I am starting to understand why. There was no soul-based change. It's all still there. The anger, the fear, the shame, the hurt.

And even though I am so "good" at avoiding and I basically created my life around this avoidance (how crazy is that?), every now and then I got the opportunity to see if it was still there. Of course, right!? Law of attraction. And I can assure you there is some heavy stuff still there. The feelings are just as strong as ever, if not stronger (if that is possible). I almost get scared of my own reaction which is one reason I want to avoid it so bad.

You see, for me I got very very angry. I guess it is a more powerful feeling than being embarrassed, ridiculed or unfairly treated which I did not like at all. And when I was young and no one (adult, teacher etc) stopped what was happening, it got physical in the end. I fought back. And believe it or not but that was about the only thing that actually "worked". After especially one altercation I remember the "lead" bully himself got embarrassed after falling on his ass down in a small trash can and people saw it. He probably did not like that at all and I was surprised but it all stopped after that. I guess he was driving all the others. So in a weird way I sort of "learned" that anger and violence and fighting back, or threat of violence, in some situations "work". I have a friend who had a way tougher childhood than me in terms of abuse and he has the same experience. So you can see the problem. Not the best lesson to learn as a kid in terms of love.

At the same time I learned through my life from parents etc. that anger is not appropriate. Also in sports. Be cool, calm and collected. And I also felt myself that yes off course, anger is not a great solution, intellectually. And I did not want to hurt anyone or create bad situations for myself and others so I did what I thought was best and just avoided it. Or, if it somehow got a little triggered I just shut down and suppressed it or tried to leave or something like that. But it's a big issue for me. I still don't know how to handle it. Except now I would probably try to walk away and just feel about it and see how that goes. The emotions are just way too strong to be around others.

So, I have to be a bit careful. I now know I need to go through these emotions, but in a safe way. What lies underneath I don't know. This is why now I feel I need to focus on building my relationship with God and experiment with prayer. This was never part of my life before. But I am quite excited. I want to learn to forgive and repent and heal these holes in my soul and move forward. So maybe later I can share with you if I make any progress . But I'm sure the answer would still be God.

I don't know about you but I have no big problem with crying, but being afraid and embarrassment is very hard.

How have you dealt with your issues? You say you have suppressed them. I'm assuming you are used to prayer in your line of work. Did you ever address it with God? Do you now pray in a different way after finding Divine Love? I am very interested in prayer in a practical way.

Great that you contacted your old classmate and got in contact with your "old" feelings again. So now you can really feel them maybe .

Well, I can't really say that I have got in contact with my old feelings much except from when the world has reminded me from time to time and I could not avoid it. I hope I can do this with Gods help on my own. At least in the beginning for a while to take the magnitude of the emotions down a little bit . If I just think about it on my own, it's hard to really get into it. It's so long ago and, yeah I don't really know how to really feel it deep down without it actually happening again or with the help of God.

Cheers,
Joakim.

Hi again Joakim,

After reading what you have written it hits me how differently we cope with painful experiences in life. I don´t remember I was physically bullied, not so much anyway, it was more of a silent abuse – they were mocking me, hiding my things, treating me as if I didn´t exist, looking at me as if I was just stupid, treating me condescending and made me feel like I didn´t belong. I think this is , (was anyway, it´s more than 40 years ago) more common among girls to bully this way. I don´t remember the boys treating me so badly. I guess I must have had a lot of anger – but I´m not sure. I just remember sadness and fear and anxiety . I still have problems to connect to anger. In my head I think: there must be a lot of anger towards some of the girls but I´m really not sure, it feels like it´s just grief and sadness. Maybe I was too fearful and unsure to express any anger, and afraid of punishment – but as you say, anger is a more powerful place to be in. I have begun to try connect to some anger and when I do, I use a baseball bat, bashing a mattress until I´m quite exhausted. It´s a great help to connect to my grief underneath. Have you tried something like that?

I can relate to what you say about nobody stopping what was going on – sometimes I wonder if anyone even knew what was going on. I never told anyone . I remember I once was so desperate I tried to talk to my parents, but they only said something like: maybe you should consider your own responsibility for what they are doing. I still remember it so vividly – something died in me. It felt like: I can´t trust anyone and everything is my own fault. So guilt has been – is – a big issue for me too. And, like you, I wonder how much I have buried in myself, how much lies underneath.

And, yes, I pray in a different way now, after finding Divine Truth. I guess I have, for many years, had the feeling or sense of God not communicating by our intellect or thoughts, but I think the church, as I know it, often is very intellectual/academic and it has been hard to find some kind of understanding for the belief of God communicating emotionally. So it was very overwhelming to begin to listen to Jesus and Mary. When I look back in my life, I´v had quite a lot of moments when I have been emotionally overwhelmed by something so strong and loving and painful at the same time, but I´v not always been aware of it as a prayer. But now I can see, maybe it was I prayer because in my heart I was probably longing for God, even if I didn´t think of it, or was aware of it being a prayer. But it has been, as I´v heard Jesus talk about, just short moments, not for a longer time, except for once, when something opened up and I was just receiving love, joy, peace, playfulness, and it was at the same time like colours and music just flowing like through my body , and it felt like I was almost dissolving.

I try to pray in this way, trying to long for God emotionally and sometimes I begin to cry instantly, but often nothing happens and can feel my resistance so strong. It´s like a fear of being disappointed, sometime a feeling of resignation and numbness, no one will hear me and no one will answer me anyway and I am so afraid of trying to really pray because I´m so afraid nothing will happen. It goes up and down. Sometime I feel more connected, to myself and God, and I´m beginning to have the feeling that I´m longing to be softer and more gentle. I´m often asking God to show me how to open up my heart more, to myself and to others. And to God.

Sometimes I try to pray to God when I feel emotional for another reason, if I connect to something beautiful in nature, when I have met people in sad/tragic situations (as I often do in my work and often it trigger my own emotions), when I feel really lonely, or sad, or angry or happy . Like I´m using the feeling I already got, to connect to God, so to speak . And sometimes it helps me to talk when I try to connect to God, as if it makes me connect more to my own feelings when I put Words to my feelings and hear my own voice speak out loud .Sometimes I try to imagine God sitting beside me in the car as a very bright and loving angel, and I talk to him/her.

The last, mayby 5 years, I´v felt something change in me, since I´v been trying to go from being a very mental and daydreaming person (it was a way to survive I guess) to a more emotional. But at the same time it feels like I´m starting my life all over again.

I´v tried to ask God about the truth of what really happened when I was bullied, since my memories are so vague, but I think I shut myself down and not much happens. I heard Jesus talk to a spirit in a mediumship- session and he asked the spirit/man to ask for Gods truth on a matter and he received an answer, emotionally, and I thought: Oh, I´l try that. But not much success so far…
All the best / Inger

Hello Inger.

Thank you for your words. Yes I guess it could be quite different how we cope. And maybe generally something could be said about how boys and girls react differently to a similar experience. I only know my experience. And now some of yours. It is interesting for sure. And maybe you don't have as much anger in you as for instance I do. Isn't anger the thing we choose instead of feeling the fear? Maybe you stayed in fear and grief and sadness instead of putting on another layer of anger? To me that sounds like one less thing to process, if that is the case. I guess you will find out if you keep praying. But if you don't feel it, you don't feel it.

I haven't tried hitting mattresses or punching bags, but I have heard Jesus mention it before. And it might be a great idea for me actually.

I cannot imagine what it must have felt like when your parents told you that. That sounds heart-breaking. I was fortunate to not have that happen to me. At what time in your life did you turn to God? My relationship with my parents and how it affected me still eludes me. I have heard Jesus speak about forgiveness and repentance, and the sins I carry must have come from somewhere, but right now I can't see emotionally what happened. I see they were not perfect, but I also was very lucky in many ways. I have no feelings towards it at the moment. I am a bit confused about it.

Wow, sounds like you had some wonderful experiences with God. And you are making progress. And becoming more emotional. I wouldn't mind becoming more emotional . Numbness and apathy etc. is not fun. It's like life is sucked out of you. No energy left. I guess that's what happens when you avoid emotions?

Yes, I too tried to mimic some things from the medium-ship sessions and actually it has worked on a few occations. But I am wondering if it is somewhat different when you are in spirit-form. Or if their desire is stronger, because from the ones I have heard it is very overwhelming for them right away.

Ok, Inger. Thanks again for sharing.
Cheers,

Joakim.

Hi Joakim,
I've just been following & appreciating the conversation between you & Inger here, and felt to offer these words I read just yesterday (posted by Eloisa on another thread) from Jesus, on confusion ~

"2.4.1. Confusion is a result of not wanting to understand what is in our souls
... Confusion.. results from fear and a desire to not understand coming from the soul on the actual issue. [00:20:21:29]

...Love is logical. Since it is logical, it can never result in confusion without there being some kind of opposition in the soul to love, and so we need to understand that every time we feel an intellectual difficulty in understanding something, that it begins with an emotional difficulty in understanding the same thing... "
from The Human Soul: Ethics and Morality P1 (&P2) that Jesus gave 13th May 2012
p.11of the self print book (Part 1)

Also, as I read your experience of being bullied, I felt my own experience... mostly teased & taunted at home by older siblings, over what seems like a long period, tho' my timeline recall isn't so clear. Then, I had a strong sense that, for you, getting into expressing your anger would be a good and necessary (?) place to begin. I have found it very powerful to feel & hear the vibrations of this emotion when I've gotten into batting it out. My favorite tool for this is a newspaper bat (1" stack of newspaper, rolled up lengthwise & thickly taped), used against a shed wall where the sound reverberation really helps me feel the power & truth of the old rage. When I let my body go fully into the batting-it-out movement, especially my pelvis, deep grief readily comes to the surface. It's all very physical, the movement of these emotions, when I really say & feel Yes to letting them come up & move out.

I hope this helps some!

Hey Julie.

I'm glad you are appreciating the conversation. Me too . Thanks for chipping in. Very sweet of you to provide timestamps even! I found and watched the part where confusion was addressed. I have added it to my growing list of things to "work through" in prayer .

I think you are correct. Thanks for the tips with the newspaper. I don't have a resonating shed wall to bang at the moment. I live in an apartment but maybe I can start hitting my bed or something . Great that it is working for you! I actually had a small break-through today because I looked up my old "friend" on facebook and saw his face for the first time in what 25+ years!? I could still recognize him. It brought back some feelings that I could then go through. But more to go.

Cheers,
Joakim.

Howdie Joakim,
About the bat and trying it out on a bed... I have done that & found it not so moving, more like "I'm trying to really get into this pissed off rage feeling I have inside... but this lowdown bed & barely audible thump-sound it makes just ain't kickin' it!"
Since our neighbors (it turns out) aren't game for hearing my louder thumps in the shed out back (and I do understand this...it's pretty tough to be around, for too long), so I have also tried thumping on my bedroom wall, which was better than the bed, since I need to be standing upright in order to get to & release the anger/rage, to move it out from where it simmers, once I've gotten in touch with the edges of it ~ in my pelvis, belly & chest. The problem with newspaper-banging on a painted wall is that it leaves ink marks that aren't easy to ajax off, so I can't recommend that either. What else might work... in an apartment... I'm stumped.
Oh, wait, another way I've done this, without a bat of any sort, is in the middle of a room, not hitting on anything, just taking my arms straight overhead with my hands joined together & pulling them down, hard & fast to mid-section of my torso. Yeah, now I remember, I have had success with this when I've been ripe & ready to let it rip, the Voice of some longheld Rage, Included, for sure.

I feel stirred, a bit fired-up just talking about it ~ a good sign my memories are brewing. Ok then, time to sign off and get into the brew. Why let it burn me Any Longer?!

All the best with moving remnants of the bully out of you, my new friend.

Julie

Hi,

Just a quick tip, I have been using a piece of a plastic hose to whack with. I get a good sound from that especially when I am hitting my kettle bell really hard. Thanks Julie for the tip about standing upright, I have to take some paintings down so I can start whacking on the walls.

Cheers
Anita

Anita ~ I can't picture that, hitting a kettle bell (since I don't know what it is), but I'm guessing it Rings OutLoud. An angry-sounding tonal response, I bet.

Another quick tip ~ stomping (I recommend both legs together) while bashing the air gets the legs into the action, completing the circular wave of body-emoting. It worked good for me this morning!

Joakim, This might not be so good in your apt. unless you're on the 1st floor. Above that, you'll risk neighbors, come a'knocking (or banging) on your front door.

Thanks guys for your suggestions. I have a policeman as my next door neighbor so...