Self-reliance & other injuries, truth please?
Posted: Sat Feb 13, 2016 8:38 pm
Hi,
About six weeks ago I was given an amber strike. I've been through a series of emotions since then and would like to have feedback about them and my current condition. A lot of this is about my huge emotion of self-reliance, which is causing a lot of error and confusion for me.
The strike is here:
viewtopic.php?f=10&p=2766#p2766
The main points that Mary made are that I didn't want to receive personal feedback, I withdraw when I receive feedback, and I have a strong emotion of self-reliance and want to discover everything on my own. Mary pointed out that this would prevent me from developing a relationship with God and also leads to my being defensive and hypocritical with others. This is all definitely true. I had received direct feedback from AJ and Mary over a year ago that I didn't want truth, and I am only now beginning to see what they meant. I have not wanted feedback, I wanted to meet addictions and support my facade instead; I withdraw as a basic defense and have done this since childhood; and I have very strong feelings of self-reliance. All this has prevented my connection to God and it's led to my acting unlovingly in many ways toward other people and myself.
This happened an interaction I had with Tara (here: viewtopic.php?f=8&t=109) where I set myself up as an expert on a topic and then refused to answer Tara's question about it and even accused her of being unloving for asking. Specifically, I said, “I felt a bit of addiction and manipulation in Tara's question, that she was asking out of not wanting to do work on her own and wanted others to do it for her, which I felt was mostly driven by a desire (addiction) to interact with others.” Which conveys my belief that self-reliance is the way to be, and also was a hypocritical projection on my part because I myself was engaging in an addiction to interact with others. It also shows that my injuries regarding self-reliance prevent me from seeing the truth about an interaction in which a person is asking for assistance. I assumed that any request for help was needy.
My very first emotion after the strike was horror at being exposed and having my facade with regard to being superior taken away. I feel that desire for superiority was a large part of why I would always post without wanting feedback. I wanted to be “helpful” in order to be seen as advanced, smarter, or superior in love. In reality even then I could feel the difference in love between myself and some others on the forum, that they are in a much more loving condition than I am. My facade was threatened by that and I was trying to show that “I could be loving too.” So arrogant and unloving on so many levels.
I also immediately felt terrible about being “ejected” from the group and wanted desperately to get back “into” the group. I had read Mary's post almost as soon as she posted it (being hypervigilant about how people were responding to my posts), and I went instantly into feeling the emotions that came up (or at least pretending to) and trying to feel through the reasons why I had posted what I did to Tara. I believe now that the reason why I did that right away was really because I wanted to do whatever it took to get back into the group. I hadn't realized before how desperately I want to belong and be accepted in a group (this is a whole new area of awareness for me that I'd been in complete denial about before).
I also wanted Mary to think well of me (support my worthiness).
Even though I feel that I went into feeling emotions right away for addictive reasons, I feel like I did touch some real feelings. I had a vivid feeling-memory of being “told” (probably in projections not words) “you stupid whiner” when I asked for something and the awful feelings of having that projected at me. I felt that if I had that emotion in me that I hadn't healed, then I must be projecting it at everyone around me as well as myself, and that I must have been projecting that same thing at Tara. Which felt awful and I suddenly felt remorse about doing that to Tara. I went and read her introduction and realized that we have some interests in common, which helped me feel even more how unfair I'd been—treating her in a way I would not like to be treated. That was why I felt I could truthfully apologize to her, at least to a small extent, when I did. I knew that I had a lot more work to do on the emotions that led to my treating her the way I did, but I felt it important to apologize right away to the extent that I was feeling remorse. Not long before, someone had treated me unlovingly and she wrote to me as soon as she became aware of the unlovingness to tell me that she was working on it and would apologize in full when she could. That felt loving, to me, and so I felt to do the same for Tara. I realize now that there was addiction in this—wanting to smooth things over and regain a facade position. But I still feel that there was genuine remorse in me and that it was kind to say so and begin to take responsibility right away. This is one place where I'd like to know whether I did the right thing or not.
After the strike, I did withdraw not only from the forum but from many personal interactions as well. The truth that it is loving to go away and feel through the emotions so as not to project further, got combined with my injury of withdrawing to avoid pain and further loss of facade, plus fear of being punished for making mistakes and an injury that I'm not allowed to show my face unless I'm perfect. So I withdrew for injury-based reasons (even though a loving person would also have taken time out from participation).
I feel that my relationship with God has improved through this process. I had been wondering why I was not feeling connected to God and now I definitely see lots of reasons why. I am still not receiving Love but have felt God's and my spirit friends' care at times and feel that I've learned how to pray (which I thought I was doing before but was actually not sincere). I turn to God much more than I did before and have started to experiment with asking questions as a way of learning truth. I also feel I've learned what it means to feel through an emotion as well as physical pain, which I had not understood before. I had been doing a lot of self-deception/tantrum crying, before.
Next, I became aware of how much I do expect self-reliance from myself and others. And I admitted to myself finally that when I read posts on the forum, I sometimes feel lots of condescension toward the person who posts a question or situation. It doesn't happen all the time, but fairly often. That leads me to believe that I should not be posting any requests for help, because it's unethical to ask for help when I condemn others for doing the same. On the other hand, if that's true it means I'm back in a position of withdrawal, so I wonder if I am in error here and just justifying an injury. More about this below.
After that I became aware that I have a lot of fear and anger toward what feels like all human beings. This comes out in my daily life often. E.g. I am living in a house with others now, and the bathroom is at the other end of the house from my bedroom. Until very recently, when I needed to pee I would actually wait, sometimes hours, until the coast was clear because I didn't want to encounter anyone. This has shifted a bit and but still happens occasionally. I still avoid a lot in general and definitely use facade when I can't avoid. As a child I used to have fantasies that everyone would die in a cataclysm and I would have the world to myself. So this a strong emotion in me, the fear and anger toward people in general.
I understand that I can't love a person when I'm in fear. And I'm in fear of everyone. I feel like this will take a lot of humility and some time to get to the bottom of. In the meantime, it again makes me feel that I should not interact with people until I heal it, because I can't be loving in those interactions as long as the fear remains. Again this combines with my injuries and so it's hard for me to see the truth about this.
And then yesterday I started to feel that maybe I'm not really that bad (so bad that I essentially have to quarantine myself). I know I've been a plaything of spirits in the past because of lots of injuries that make me susceptible to influence, and I'm beginning to suspect that I'm allowing myself to be manipulated into isolation again. Of course, that wouldn't happen if I didn't want it to. But I feel that there is starting to be less desire for that in myself.
I currently feel that yes, it is unloving for me to post on the forum or even engage in personal correspondence, before fully working through the issues of condescension, fear, anger, loneliness, and addiction to belonging, and that I will have to do this away from the group. It seems to me that self-reliance, loneliness and addiction to belonging are injuries that have to be worked through alone. With regard to self-reliance, working on it alone makes sense to me because until my self-reliance is actually healed, any interaction I have with this group will be insincere, since my soul feels that I don't need or want help from others.
So, I'm acting against this conclusion by posting this, because I might be wrong, and I'd like to know what the truth is about this. I would really like to participate in the forum, but then I'm aware that I have this addiction to belonging and acceptance, and that makes me think, this desire to participate is just in addiction so I shouldn't indulge it. If I followed my own logic the result is that I would remain withdrawn. But when I feel about it I feel I'm probably being super harsh with myself. So I go around and around in circles.
Basically, I know I have a list of things to feel, and I would like to know whether it's loving for me to participate on the forum while I do that or if it's loving to do this work on my own, just with God. I truly can't tell which.
I would really appreciate some clarity and truth about all this. Thank you.
Patricia
About six weeks ago I was given an amber strike. I've been through a series of emotions since then and would like to have feedback about them and my current condition. A lot of this is about my huge emotion of self-reliance, which is causing a lot of error and confusion for me.
The strike is here:
viewtopic.php?f=10&p=2766#p2766
The main points that Mary made are that I didn't want to receive personal feedback, I withdraw when I receive feedback, and I have a strong emotion of self-reliance and want to discover everything on my own. Mary pointed out that this would prevent me from developing a relationship with God and also leads to my being defensive and hypocritical with others. This is all definitely true. I had received direct feedback from AJ and Mary over a year ago that I didn't want truth, and I am only now beginning to see what they meant. I have not wanted feedback, I wanted to meet addictions and support my facade instead; I withdraw as a basic defense and have done this since childhood; and I have very strong feelings of self-reliance. All this has prevented my connection to God and it's led to my acting unlovingly in many ways toward other people and myself.
This happened an interaction I had with Tara (here: viewtopic.php?f=8&t=109) where I set myself up as an expert on a topic and then refused to answer Tara's question about it and even accused her of being unloving for asking. Specifically, I said, “I felt a bit of addiction and manipulation in Tara's question, that she was asking out of not wanting to do work on her own and wanted others to do it for her, which I felt was mostly driven by a desire (addiction) to interact with others.” Which conveys my belief that self-reliance is the way to be, and also was a hypocritical projection on my part because I myself was engaging in an addiction to interact with others. It also shows that my injuries regarding self-reliance prevent me from seeing the truth about an interaction in which a person is asking for assistance. I assumed that any request for help was needy.
My very first emotion after the strike was horror at being exposed and having my facade with regard to being superior taken away. I feel that desire for superiority was a large part of why I would always post without wanting feedback. I wanted to be “helpful” in order to be seen as advanced, smarter, or superior in love. In reality even then I could feel the difference in love between myself and some others on the forum, that they are in a much more loving condition than I am. My facade was threatened by that and I was trying to show that “I could be loving too.” So arrogant and unloving on so many levels.
I also immediately felt terrible about being “ejected” from the group and wanted desperately to get back “into” the group. I had read Mary's post almost as soon as she posted it (being hypervigilant about how people were responding to my posts), and I went instantly into feeling the emotions that came up (or at least pretending to) and trying to feel through the reasons why I had posted what I did to Tara. I believe now that the reason why I did that right away was really because I wanted to do whatever it took to get back into the group. I hadn't realized before how desperately I want to belong and be accepted in a group (this is a whole new area of awareness for me that I'd been in complete denial about before).
I also wanted Mary to think well of me (support my worthiness).
Even though I feel that I went into feeling emotions right away for addictive reasons, I feel like I did touch some real feelings. I had a vivid feeling-memory of being “told” (probably in projections not words) “you stupid whiner” when I asked for something and the awful feelings of having that projected at me. I felt that if I had that emotion in me that I hadn't healed, then I must be projecting it at everyone around me as well as myself, and that I must have been projecting that same thing at Tara. Which felt awful and I suddenly felt remorse about doing that to Tara. I went and read her introduction and realized that we have some interests in common, which helped me feel even more how unfair I'd been—treating her in a way I would not like to be treated. That was why I felt I could truthfully apologize to her, at least to a small extent, when I did. I knew that I had a lot more work to do on the emotions that led to my treating her the way I did, but I felt it important to apologize right away to the extent that I was feeling remorse. Not long before, someone had treated me unlovingly and she wrote to me as soon as she became aware of the unlovingness to tell me that she was working on it and would apologize in full when she could. That felt loving, to me, and so I felt to do the same for Tara. I realize now that there was addiction in this—wanting to smooth things over and regain a facade position. But I still feel that there was genuine remorse in me and that it was kind to say so and begin to take responsibility right away. This is one place where I'd like to know whether I did the right thing or not.
After the strike, I did withdraw not only from the forum but from many personal interactions as well. The truth that it is loving to go away and feel through the emotions so as not to project further, got combined with my injury of withdrawing to avoid pain and further loss of facade, plus fear of being punished for making mistakes and an injury that I'm not allowed to show my face unless I'm perfect. So I withdrew for injury-based reasons (even though a loving person would also have taken time out from participation).
I feel that my relationship with God has improved through this process. I had been wondering why I was not feeling connected to God and now I definitely see lots of reasons why. I am still not receiving Love but have felt God's and my spirit friends' care at times and feel that I've learned how to pray (which I thought I was doing before but was actually not sincere). I turn to God much more than I did before and have started to experiment with asking questions as a way of learning truth. I also feel I've learned what it means to feel through an emotion as well as physical pain, which I had not understood before. I had been doing a lot of self-deception/tantrum crying, before.
Next, I became aware of how much I do expect self-reliance from myself and others. And I admitted to myself finally that when I read posts on the forum, I sometimes feel lots of condescension toward the person who posts a question or situation. It doesn't happen all the time, but fairly often. That leads me to believe that I should not be posting any requests for help, because it's unethical to ask for help when I condemn others for doing the same. On the other hand, if that's true it means I'm back in a position of withdrawal, so I wonder if I am in error here and just justifying an injury. More about this below.
After that I became aware that I have a lot of fear and anger toward what feels like all human beings. This comes out in my daily life often. E.g. I am living in a house with others now, and the bathroom is at the other end of the house from my bedroom. Until very recently, when I needed to pee I would actually wait, sometimes hours, until the coast was clear because I didn't want to encounter anyone. This has shifted a bit and but still happens occasionally. I still avoid a lot in general and definitely use facade when I can't avoid. As a child I used to have fantasies that everyone would die in a cataclysm and I would have the world to myself. So this a strong emotion in me, the fear and anger toward people in general.
I understand that I can't love a person when I'm in fear. And I'm in fear of everyone. I feel like this will take a lot of humility and some time to get to the bottom of. In the meantime, it again makes me feel that I should not interact with people until I heal it, because I can't be loving in those interactions as long as the fear remains. Again this combines with my injuries and so it's hard for me to see the truth about this.
And then yesterday I started to feel that maybe I'm not really that bad (so bad that I essentially have to quarantine myself). I know I've been a plaything of spirits in the past because of lots of injuries that make me susceptible to influence, and I'm beginning to suspect that I'm allowing myself to be manipulated into isolation again. Of course, that wouldn't happen if I didn't want it to. But I feel that there is starting to be less desire for that in myself.
I currently feel that yes, it is unloving for me to post on the forum or even engage in personal correspondence, before fully working through the issues of condescension, fear, anger, loneliness, and addiction to belonging, and that I will have to do this away from the group. It seems to me that self-reliance, loneliness and addiction to belonging are injuries that have to be worked through alone. With regard to self-reliance, working on it alone makes sense to me because until my self-reliance is actually healed, any interaction I have with this group will be insincere, since my soul feels that I don't need or want help from others.
So, I'm acting against this conclusion by posting this, because I might be wrong, and I'd like to know what the truth is about this. I would really like to participate in the forum, but then I'm aware that I have this addiction to belonging and acceptance, and that makes me think, this desire to participate is just in addiction so I shouldn't indulge it. If I followed my own logic the result is that I would remain withdrawn. But when I feel about it I feel I'm probably being super harsh with myself. So I go around and around in circles.
Basically, I know I have a list of things to feel, and I would like to know whether it's loving for me to participate on the forum while I do that or if it's loving to do this work on my own, just with God. I truly can't tell which.
I would really appreciate some clarity and truth about all this. Thank you.
Patricia
). If we can acknowledge imperfection in ourselves and share what we have learned so far with compassion, maybe we can really learn to feel one another – no facades. So I will do my best to address your post and hope that you will feel the love I have in writing this to you. 